Leonard J. Hansen

What am I at my age?

Standing up while sitting down

By Leonard J. Hansen

My Congressman is fighting for me in Washington. That's what his newsletter told me again today. His pictures on all four pages must have been taken by a very poor photographer or camera because my Congressman does not look like he's in shape enough to go two rounds of a waltz, let alone battling those fierce opponents who he says are trying to hurt me.

"I stand for what you stand for," is the slogan he uses in the newsletter. That makes me feel good when I read it. Though I can't figure out why he voted six times to raise taxes, twice to increase his own salary, and for a grant for the preservation of moles when I'm trying to obliterate one of the critters that is creating holes and making vegetables disappear in my garden.

Maybe the mail did not get through to him, because I wrote him asking that he vote just the opposite way.

My Congressman has a favorite way of responding to me and I guess I feel good about it, because the message in each of the letters is the same. I open the fancy stationery to read:

Dear Friend.....

I thank you for your well-expressed letter on the issue of your great concern. You and other constituents are doing your civic duty as citizens by so expressing yourself. I learn from each letter and, be aware, that I am with you in your concern, hope and desire for the requested action.

It is when we stand together, you at home in my district, and I, here on the battlefield of your protection in Washington, D.C., that we can achieve what we want and desire from this representative form of government. Of course, in our serious deliberations in the Halls of Congress, we must consider and mitigate on all sides of an argument and proposal. For that reason, the resulting legislative action may favor one direction over another; but be assured that every vote and every decision evolves the way it should be. And, isn't that what we really want from our government?

Thank you again for your comments and for being a participating citizen of my district. Know that in order to achieve the results that you want, you should consider my re-election most positively.

Yours for better government,

Cordially,

Montgomery G. Montyhall
Member of Congress

I met my Congressman once. My eyeglasses must be wearing out and in need of replacement, because he did not look at all like his campaign pictures. But, maybe that's because he's been fighting for me in Congress.

My Congressman learned his politics quickly when he first ran for office twenty-four years ago. Back in those days he campaigned by going door-to-door to talk to people, even about the thorniest of issues. And, that is exactly where he developed his campaign theme that he still uses today.

At one house he introduced himself and stated that he was running for Congress. The man at the door was gruff, and the hand with the beer can it went straight out for the candidate's face with a finger pointed right at his nose. "Before I vote for you," the undershirted man said loudly and sharply, "I want to know where you stand on whether we should give grants to left-handed Polish dentists because their equipment costs more than it does for right handed Polish dentists."

The candidate was eager to please. "Sir," he said, standing tall, and reaching for a campaign bumper sticker to give to this voter, "I want you to know that I am against such frivolous spending."

"Get out of here, you creep!" shouted the man at the door. "My daughter works for a left-handed Polish dentist and she won't get a raise until his equipment costs less! You'll never get my vote. Get out of here!"

The candidate dropped his shoulders, returning the bumper sticker to the briefcase under his arm. "I'll take your position under advisement," he said. The end of his statement was punctuated by a loud slamming of the door in front of him.

The would-be Congressman took a deep breath, squared his shoulders as he walked to the next door. He rang the bell.

"Good morning, I'm your candidate for Congress, and...." He couldn't even finish the sentence.

"Before I talk to you, Mr. Congressional person, before I vote for you, I want to know how you'll vote on the legislation to provide subsidies for left-handed Polish dentists because of the higher price of their equipment."

The candidate was now wiser. "Ma'am, I am proud to say that I will support this desperately-needed and equitable piece of legislation."

"Get out! The lady screamed. "Get out before I call the cops. That legislation is idiocy, a ripoff! I'll never vote for you!" Before he could say anything further, the door was slammed as loud as the cannon shot heard around the world.

Door-belling is what they call this political method. And the candidate could not give up.

At the third door he became a politician. "Sir, I want to introduce myself as your next Congressman from this district, and before you ask me about the bill to subsidize left-handed Polish dentists for their equipment I want you to know that I agree with you all the way. And when you elect me, I'll stand for what you stand for!" Quickly, he handed the man a campaign bumper sticker. "We'll fight for what is right on this together!"

After he was elected the first time the Congressman ducked out of doing door-to-door campaigning ever again. But he has kept us informed with his newsletter.

Election time is coming again. My Congressman is much heavier around the waist than ever before, but that must be from the padding he wears as he battles for me against those awful forces in Washington, D.C.