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What am I at my age?
Answering the important question | |
| By Leonard J. Hansen | |
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My Congressman says I am el-der-ly when he talks about me and the other people who worked and saved a few bucks so we don't have to work any longer. He says it almost solemnly, reverently. I can almost hear the pipe organ playing the El-der-ly Dirge. I think it is nice that he speaks of me, almost in awe. But I don't know anyone who wants to be considered that old. El-der-ly. It sounds like a disease. The lady on the telephone identified herself as a researcher for the government. I get calls from researchers almost every day of the week. "As a senior ci-ti-zen," the lady reads, obviously, from a script. "As a senior ci-ti-zen," she starts again, "you must have problem sleeping. Do you take a prescription or over-the-counter sleeping medications?" "What's my choice?" I ask? "Which do you take — a prescription or non-prescription sleeping pill?" "Write down, 'none,' lady," I tell her. I do take a good walk and a bit of exercise, and I have a favorite glass of wine with dinner. Sleep like a baby. People do tell me I snore once in awhile, if that's a question in your survey." "Sir, I don't want to know about your sleeping or snoring." "Then, what about my favorite glass of wine?" I ask. I want to be helpful. "There is no question about your favorite glass of wine with or without dinner. Sir, I hope you'll be more cooperative from here." "If you ask good questions," I respond. "I'll give good answers." "Now, sir, I need to know about your chronic ill-ness-es." That last word sounded painful. "I feel pretty good, ma'am. Once in awhile something squeaks but I move around pretty good and hard," I state, straight out. "That is not the answer I want. I want to know what chronic ill-ness-es you have," she insisted, her voice starting to shake. "Well, my heart is ticking, and my blood pressure hasn't broken the machine at the doctor's office," I respond, trying to be all the more helpful. "Do you wear glasses?" she shot back sharply. "Yep," I say, "bifocals, if you want to know. I can be reading along on the lower part of the lens but still glance up and be in focus for seeing a pretty lady walk by. The best of both worlds." "Declining eyesight, with prostheses. Those are eyeglasses, sir. Chronic ill-ness! Now, we're getting somewhere. "About your hemorrhoids. I need to know about your hemorrhoids as another chronic illness." The researcher was getting demanding. "I am not going to talk about hemorrhoids," I shot back. "It's none of your business or the government's business if at all I have hemorrhoids." "For your hemorrhoids," the lady asked, regaining a bit of her composure, "do you take prescription or over-the-counter medications?" "Skip to the next question," I demanded. "Ingrown toenails are typical for the el-der-ly and are one of the chronic ill-ness-es. How many do you have?" "I have ten toes and all are fine," I replied. "For your ingrown toenails," she came back quickly, "do you use prescription or over-the-counter medications?" "I use neither. When cruising the Amazon River I came across a fantastic cure from a witch doctor. I traded him a herbal treatment for hemorrhoids and the shrunken head of a researcher in exchange for this his secret about ingrown toenails. I'm writing a paper on the discovery for science." "Sir, you have not answered my question. I need to know whether you use a prescription or over-the-counter medication for your ingrown toenails. The government reports say that you must have ingrown toenails as one of your chronic ill-ness-es. Tell me!" She was shouting. "I'm sorry, ma'am, I'm going to flunk your test. Write me off," I said to her. "I have one last question, sir, because I have to file this official research report with the government that cares about you." "I'll answer if I can," I respond most affirmatively. "Sir, the government is concerned about how everyone in the country deals with you. My final question: do you mind being called a 'senior ci-ti-zen'?" "Depends," I say. "Tell me, how big is the discount?" |
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